Do you ever getting into a situation where no matter how careful you tried saying something or how precise you tried to communicate something, the other person seems to always find the “worse” interpretations of what you said and fight you all the way? Do you feel frustrated? Do you feel suppressed? Do you feel hopeless and angry at those moments? (By the way, this can totally go the other ways too. i.e. someone trying to say something to you and the more they said the angrier and defensive you got…)
Yet, in other instances, your communication with another can be quite sloppy; sometimes you didn’t even need to finish your sentences, the other person will get it anyway?
Well, Robert and I had a couple episodes like the first case last month. It seems like the more we want to “communicate” with each other on this particular topic, the more we get angry with each other. Knowing that we usually communicate and “get” each other so well in so many areas of our relationship, it baffles me that we can totally lose relatedness with each other on this one topic to the point of wondering why we stay together. Needless to say, there was some drama in the air surrounding our relationship.
Finally, instead of attempting to throw even more communication at each other or tries to “communicate” yet a “different way”, I decided to give each other a “time out”.
In my “time out” period, I sat back, playing back in my head what I said to Robert and what he said to me, he’s reactions to what I said and my reactions to what he said; like watching a video recording, I paused, rewind and slowed down frame-by-frame many times. I asked myself: How exactly did the conversation went so badly?
Surprisingly, an answer came into my head like a switch: “You are solving the wrong problem! It’s a trust issue and not a communication issue, girl! Communicating with each other is not your problem!”
Duh! Of course, on this particular case, due to my past reactions to what he told me, Robert didn’t trust that I would support him and based on his past actions (or inactions), I didn’t trust that he would do what he said he is going to do! So how can we really come to an understanding that give both of us comfort and assurances that we need, when we don’t trust each other? The answer is no way! Regardless how much we communicate with each other and how refined our communication techniques were, it would have made no difference!
Fortunately, proper awareness of what is the real issue is indeed the first step needed to start restoring our harmony. From there, instead of jump into yet another communication session on “the topic”, we took the time to acknowledge our fears, our distrust and where we lost each other’s trust. From there we discuss how we can both improve in gaining each other’s trust.
Life is good again, I’m grateful to have gone through this experience and get that when something is not working, more communication or better communication may not be the solution. When communication fails, it is time to step back and check whether or not trusting is the real issue. Without trust, no communication; regardless how fine the technique you use, will ever get through to another person. So, let’s work on trust first.
p.s. On the topic of trust, I recently found a wonderful book that really helped me get a lot of clarity on this topic. It is called “The Speed of Trust” by Stephen M. R. Covey (He is the son of Stephen R. Covey, the author of 7 habits of highly effective people). I highly recommend this book as a resource to start tackling on any trust issues and start opening a constructive dialog on trust with people you run into issue with.
